Yup, I watched fireproof (nice christian movie) and this is the gist of it that reli got to me. I realise i dun hv true love. I nid to seek God for it. I dun think i can reli love someone even if the person doesnt care abt me. I can't help but build a wall. HOW HOW HOW?

I would say i'm good at reading ppl. Little things that ppl normally dun notice (esp regarding how ppl treat others) tells me things abt how u regard someone. Ok, i knw i sound like im trying to masuk bakul angkat sendiri but im not tat geng la. I dun mind when ppl make funny insulting jokes and all and be mean to me when i knw that that person is just trying to be frenly in his/her own way. Yea, i do tat all the time. I understand. but i know when a person dislikes me or hates or finds me annoying. Im not sensitive, im just instinctive, its 95% true most of the time. And naturally, I back off. N i knw im right when the person nvr wonders y i backed off. Its reli lil, like the first things u talk to me abt, or how u react to certain things. Its not one thing but the lil lil things tat i piece togede. I realise, tat no matter how much i ignore it, i can't. I can;t gif true love. I tend to think that if the person treats me this way, y shud i take so much effort to get to knw u and to tell u my innermost feelings. These feelings i cherish, which i bestow truly only to few certain people. And when ppl tell me their secrets, i take it as an honour. and i guard their secrets well.

Only one person i told fully abt this and whom tat person understood but not fully. Some bits and pieces there and some whom never got the hint.  i've been nostalgic thinking abt it all. Hv u ever felt that sometimes that the amount of love u put in, u may nvr have as much impact as those who put in less? U start to wonder, "why? is there something wrong with my love?" U cared for tat person so very much and yes, u;ve been thru togede alot but why does it feel tat the person puts others first and put u last.  I knw, God experienced it. N i wonder how God handled it. yes, times where u were such gud frens but as time passes by, does the bond wane? I guess it does. and even tho u cherish tat person as much as u did, the person only remembers u in times of need. its saddening at times. Someone asked me, "did u not do the same?" and i know i can answer truthfully and stare him in the eye and say no i did not. But time passes by, n u cant help but pull bak ur feelings. Its not an excuse but its a natural reaction. n u stop making initiative and at the end, the bond disappears. completely.There goes 5 years in a blink. 5 years of love and care. But sometimes u cant help but feel tat tat 5 years can easily be replaced by 1 year for the other party? u can gif love but u cant force love and u cant force influence and impact. I want to impact people's life and know that the amount of love and attention I give pays off. But sometimes it doesnt. However, I cannot stop. something compels me and i shall always find new people that I can be of influence off and hopefully it will not disappear completely but hangs on for eternity.

Sorry, this became more of an article. I meant to make it more personal but I guess it's better this way, more general. Haha no use trying to think is she talking abt me? coz I dun think I am LOL!.

Anywya, to all the peopl that i have met,no matter how brief, i just wnana say u have made an impact in my life one way or other. Positive and negative experiences. Primary skul frens, secondary skul frens, college frens, uni frens and OF COZ FAMILY! sorry, but i cant reli remmeber my kindergarten friends (except joanne i think :) whom i act still keep in touch ). I love u all!

Haha. sorry for the emo-ness. U dun hv to read all of it. May be gone by the end of the day when my brain is much clearer.